A Little (more) Humor...
| Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice. |
Anytime a lawyer is seen and not heard... it's a shame to wake him. |
| How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then the other. |
"Ignorance of the law excuses no man... from practicing it." - Adison Mizner |
| "Counselor," said the judge, "in the future, please say 'I object,' instead of 'that's total bullshit...' " | How do you get a group of lawyers to smile
for a photo?
Just say "Fees!" |
| What do you call 25 skydiving attorneys?
Skeet. |
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator. |
| "It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but, I repeat myself" - Mark Twain | If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one...would you go to lunch or read the paper? |
| A local newspaper mistakenly reported that
the town's oldest lawyer, Mr. Chritchely, had died. When the lawyer read
the report, he called the newspaper and threatened to sue them if they did
not immediately print a retraction.
The next day the following notice appeared in the paper: "We regret that the report of Attorney Critchley's death was in error." |
Why do drug company laboratories prefer to
use lawyers, rather than lab rats, for testing?
...Lawyers breed faster, so there are more of them; ...Lab personnel don't get emotionally attached to lawyers; ...Lawyers will do things that rats won't; ...Animal protection groups don't get nearly as upset; and, ...Some people actually LIKE rats. |
| Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet down,
instead of the usual 6 feet?
Because, deep down, they are really good guys! |
How many lawers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? |
| A doctor and a lawyer were attending a
party. One of the doctor's patients walked up and asked for advice about
his ulcer. The doctor grudgingly responded. Afterwards he turned to
the lawyer and asked, "What do you do when somebody asks for free
advice like that?," to which the lawyer responded, "I send him a
bill."
So, the next day the doctor sent the patient a bill for $50. That afternoon the doctor got a bill from the attorney for $100. |
"You seem to be in some distress,"
said the judge to the witness. "Is there anything the matter?"
"Well, your Honour, " said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but everytime I try, some lawyer objects."
|
| A young lawyer's client complained,
"Your boss is outrageous! He bills me everytime he thinks of
me."
To which the young lawyer responded: "That's not true. Sometimes he bills you when he hasn't thought of you at all." |
What's the difference between a good lawyer
and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag on for years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer. |
| What do honest lawyers and UFO's have in
common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them. |
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
Watching your ex-wife's attorney drive over a cliff in your new car. |
|
What’s wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes |
If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you'd like. (There will be no charge for this advice.) |
